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Stephen paddock subgenius

Stephen Paddock, who reportedly killed at least 59 people and injured more than 500 in Las Vegas, has been identified as a member of the Church of the SubGenius.

The Oct. 1, 2017 shooting is the deadliest mass shooting in American history, according to the Associated Press.  While Newsweek reported that ISIS claimed Paddock had converted to Islam, there were no confirmed reports of Paddock having any religion affiliation--until now.

"Stephen was a SubGenius," said long-time SubGenius friend Dr. Kayden Argo.  "We went to X-Day together."  X-day was a SubGenius gathering in July intended to welcome space aliens called the X-ists who would rescue members from the destruction of the world.  Paddock's church membership was confirmed by SubGenius minister of records Rev. Nicolas LeGunne.

"The Church promised the X-ists would come on July 5 (2017) and take us to Planet X, paradise, but they didn't," said Argo.  "All they gave us was a dead baby, and we had to dig that up ourselves."  One of the church members claimed to have discovered the deceased infant, allegedly the result of a X-ist impregnation of a young teen girl at a SubGenius sex orgy.  SubGenii believe the X-ist aliens will rescue members of the church in spaceships called "pleasure saucers."

Argo said shooter Stephen Paddock became extremely despondent because the X-ists did not come in July.  "He locked himself in the bathroom, saying 'F*** "Bob", f*** "Bob"' over and over again," said Argo.  J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, (his nickname is always written in quotation marks) and Connie Marsh were married in Las Vegas in the 1950s, about the same time they founded the church.  Las Vegas is an important city to the church not only because of the marriage of its founders, but also because it symbolizes the church's philosophy of becoming "rich through luck," also called "rich through Slack."

Paddock apparently repented his denial of the church founder before his death.  His last words were reportedly, "I shot them for 'Bob'."

The Church of the SubGenius denied any affiliation with the mass shooting.  "Paddock was highly disturbed," said LeGunne.  "His actions do not in any way reflect the church.  We wait for the X-ists to commit genocide, planet-wide.  We don't kill people ourselves.  Not without reason."

The church has been in legal trouble before.  Members of the church were suspected of mailing a bomb to author and former church member Bob Black, as confirmed by the Albany Police Department.  The  newspaper Bedfordshire reported a spate of SubGenius-themed vandalism in the English town of Bedford, and the church has posted photos of church-related vandalism in various parts of the world on their website.  The church's Book of the SubGenius seemingly advocates violence and participating in sex of "all kinds."

A former church executive who called herself Rev. Magdalen lost custody of her son in 2006 by a ruling of Judge James Punch.  Punch characterized Magdalen as a “pervert,” “mentally ill,” “lying,” and a participant in SubGenius “sex orgies."  "Some people may find these reprehensible," said Attorney Hilde G.P. Spears.  "But since when are being perverted, mentally ill, lying, and participating in sex orgies illegal?  They are part of sacred SubGenius beliefs, just as valid as Christian communion and Jewish Passover."

"We are the only true church," said SubGenius Rev. Carrol Peason.  "The X-ists will rescue us on May 7 or July 5 next year, guaranteed.  All the rest of you will be enslaved or killed.  So join the church now while you still can, f***ers!"

While the Church of the SubGenius began privately in America in the 1950s, the SubGenius Foundation was incorporated in 1980 by Rev. Ivan Stang, Dr. Philo Drummond, and Dr. X.  Stang resigned as CEO of the church in 2012, stating "I'm sick to death of dealing with idiots."  None of the church founders are known to have been convicted of an illegal act of sex or violence so far.

Article by Philevan D. Lovesex for the New Yeti Times, Oct. 2, 2017