J. R. "Bob" Dobbs supplied the SubGenii with Five Keys to Magick and Rev. Ivan Stang has included them in rants for decades. The Keys (and some corresponding quotes from sermons) are below:
- GET OFF YOUR ASS.
"If you want a girlfriend.... TALK TO A GIRL. If you want a new job -- TALK TO OTHER COMPANIES. If you want to machine gun a stadium -- GETTING OFF YOUR ASS. The first step."
- BUST YOUR ASS.
- GET OTHERS TO BUST THEIR ASS FOR YOU.
"This we might call ASSHOLINESS."
- WATCH YOUR ASS.
"If you do all these, you won't have to worry about somebody trying to KICK YOUR ASS. (For a lesson in ass-kicking see Dr. Legume; for ass-kissing see me.)"
- WASH YOUR ASS.
"Yes, WASH your ass. Should be #1. Some of you boys feel you're gonna need MAGICK to GET LAID. Well, Personal hygeine can go a LONG WAY. That, and a SubGenius SHORDURMAR!!"
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